|
DIFFERENT STRIPES. A normal zebra
fish
(top) has larger
and denser
pigment-containing cells than a golden zebra fish (bottom)
Science |
Much excitement was generated in the news media by the publication of
the article,
SLC24A5,
a Putative Cation Exchanger, Affects Pigmentation in Zebrafish and
Humans
(Science 16 December 2005: Vol. 310. no. 5755, pp. 1782 - 1786).
Unfortunately, the story is completely bogus.
However, The Corpus Callosum is now free to publish the real
story.
Although much of this information was uncovered approximately one year
ago,
publication was withheld at the request of the White House, citing
national security concerns. Recent events, however, have
caused
the editors to update this decision, because now there is reason to
believe
that public safety would be promoted more effectively by releasing the
information to the general population.
This is a serious decision, not undertaken lightly by our editors.
The editorial board understands fully that the publication of
this information will incite the wrath of the Administration and they
probably will say nastys things about us. The last time we
did
something like this, they said we were "irresponsible," and -- gasp! --
unpatriotic.
Even though our feelings are easily hurt, we decided that the brave
thing to do would be to go ahead and publish this, especially in
light of the misinformation that is now being spread by the
Administration's well-financed media machine. When we saw the
following outrageous statement -- obviously pure propaganda -- we
decided to take matters into our own hands:
The evolutionarily conserved ancestral allele of a
human
coding polymorphism predominates in African and East Asian populations.
In contrast, the variant allele is nearly fixed in European
populations, is associated with a substantial reduction in regional
heterozygosity, and correlates with lighter skin pigmentation in
admixed populations, suggesting a key role for the SLC24A5 gene in
human pigmentation.
The truth is
far more sinister than the abstract
indicates.
The media have indicated, falsely, that the research was conducted at
the The Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine, in Hershey,
PA. This is false, very false. In fact, the
research was conducted
in a top-secret Level Five Biosecurity Facility underneath the Maynard
Street
Parking Structure, in Ann Arbor MI. (We have the photos to
prove
it.)
Laboring
in
utter secrecy,
the
Maynard Group,
performed secret research on human subjects. There were no
zebra
fish; that is utter hogwash. No, they did their research on
human brains.
The Corpus Callosum has learned that the brains were harvested from
unsuspecting secular humanists in downtown Ann Arbor, using an old
scheme that preys (literally) upon nice people. Experienced
flim-flam men refer to the scam as the "Starship Troopers'
Arachnid Ploy."
Details of the plot were revealed by
satellite
monitoring
(9MB MP3 file) of zombie chatter. Note that the audio file
contain much spurious information at first, designed to throw the NSA
off the scent. The pertinent information starts about 5
minutes
into the file.
Part of the Administration's disinformation campaign include reports
that the satellite surveillance was directed at Al Qaeda. No.
That is
so very false. The
program was intended to help the
Pentagon monitor the efforts of its own
civilian
contractors.
In this case, the Maynard Group attracted the attention of their
masters in the
Potomac
Puzzle Palace
when first-responder resources were diverted from the Maynard
area to help in the aftermath of Katrina. There was concern
that
the understaffed security forces could be inadequate in the event of a
security breach.
Security
breach at Maynard Site
On Friday, December 16, 2005, the Unthinkable happened:
the supposed "skin color" gene mutated and spread to laboratory
personnel. Initially, this was thought to be merely a
cosmetic
inconvenience.
skin
color alteration
However, it became apparent rather quickly that the gene did not merely
affect skin color. Rather, it led to the development of
highly infectious prions, with the capability of
leading
to
bizarre chimeric life forms. What is
worse, it led to dramatic changes in the
behavior
of its victims.
The worst part of this unfortunate affair stemmed from the television
viewing
habits of the lab personnel at the Maynard Group. When the
mutation occurred, they were watching an O'Reilly Special Report about
the
War
on Christmas. The neurotrophic effects of the prion
caused the victims to actually
believe O'Reilly;
they
actually thought there
was a war on Christmas.
And they thought that
they were
supposed to go out and fight that war.
The
results were
devastating. Holiday
shoppers were converted
en masse. The
newly-undead caroused city streets, silencing carolers and causing
eager yuppies to lose their appetites for sushi. Drinkers at
Starbucks swore off their high-priced brews forever more.
Cash registers
stopped their rhythmic ka-ching-ing as college kids fled for the safety
of their RA's, who were powerless to stop the evil menace.
Run
for your lives!
There was no way out. The masses of the undead developed a
clever strategy to prevent escape.
Undead
chimera blocks travel agency
Domestic and International flights were impossible to arrange.
To make matter s worse, due to an horrendous blunter by FEMA,
Amtrak trains were diverted to
Ypsilanti,
North Dakota, and were unavailable for
evacuation. Then, instead of
vaccine,
President Bush ordered a heck of a lot of
brownies
to be delivered by helicopter. This only enraged the Undead
even more.
ARRGH! Not another Brownie!
President Bush, in a desperate bid to boost his sagging polls, declared
that the United States would not cut and run. He insisted that we would
settle for nothing less than a
complete victory.
Pfizer responded by sending him an entire case of Viagra.
The Undead merely jeered.
The Undead respond to President's speech
Because of his medical expertise, Senator Frist was called in to help.
He immediately called his "blind" trust and ordered the sale
of his remaining HCA stock.
Senator Frist's Blind Trust
Sensing the weakness of the top leadership in the entire country, the
Undead quickly formed a political party and nominated candidates for
the 2008 Presidential election.
ZLF Presidential and Vice-presidential candidates
When asked if the civilian spying program would continue,
President
Bush stated that the need is even greater now, with the
threat posed by the Zombie Liberation Front.
The NSA "authorization is a vital tool in our war
against the ZLF," Bush said. "It is critical to saving American lives.
The
American people expect me to do everything in my power under our laws
and Constitution to protect them and their precious little brains. And
that is
exactly what I will continue to do, so long as I'm the president of the
United States."
The ZLF could not be reached for comment.
A Gold Star
goes to Paanta,
John
Baird, and Community
for their photojournalistic contributions.