Zombie Claus Exposé
|DIFFERENT STRIPES. A normal zebra
(top) has larger
pigment-containing cells than a golden zebra fish (bottom)
Although much of this information was uncovered approximately one year ago, publication was withheld at the request of the White House, citing national security concerns. Recent events, however, have caused the editors to update this decision, because now there is reason to believe that public safety would be promoted more effectively by releasing the information to the general population.
This is a serious decision, not undertaken lightly by our editors. The editorial board understands fully that the publication of this information will incite the wrath of the Administration and they probably will say nastys things about us. The last time we did something like this, they said we were "irresponsible," and -- gasp! -- unpatriotic.
Even though our feelings are easily hurt, we decided that the brave thing to do would be to go ahead and publish this, especially in light of the misinformation that is now being spread by the Administration's well-financed media machine. When we saw the following outrageous statement -- obviously pure propaganda -- we decided to take matters into our own hands:
The evolutionarily conserved ancestral allele of a human coding polymorphism predominates in African and East Asian populations. In contrast, the variant allele is nearly fixed in European populations, is associated with a substantial reduction in regional heterozygosity, and correlates with lighter skin pigmentation in admixed populations, suggesting a key role for the SLC24A5 gene in human pigmentation.The truth is far more sinister than the abstract indicates.
The media have indicated, falsely, that the research was conducted at the The Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine, in Hershey, PA. This is false, very false. In fact, the research was conducted in a top-secret Level Five Biosecurity Facility underneath the Maynard Street Parking Structure, in Ann Arbor MI. (We have the photos to prove it.)
Laboring in utter secrecy, the Maynard Group, performed secret research on human subjects. There were no zebra fish; that is utter hogwash. No, they did their research on human brains.
The Corpus Callosum has learned that the brains were harvested from unsuspecting secular humanists in downtown Ann Arbor, using an old scheme that preys (literally) upon nice people. Experienced flim-flam men refer to the scam as the "Starship Troopers' Arachnid Ploy."
Details of the plot were revealed by satellite monitoring (9MB MP3 file) of zombie chatter. Note that the audio file contain much spurious information at first, designed to throw the NSA off the scent. The pertinent information starts about 5 minutes into the file.
Part of the Administration's disinformation campaign include reports that the satellite surveillance was directed at Al Qaeda. No. That is so very false. The program was intended to help the Pentagon monitor the efforts of its own civilian contractors.
In this case, the Maynard Group attracted the attention of their masters in the Potomac Puzzle Palace when first-responder resources were diverted from the Maynard area to help in the aftermath of Katrina. There was concern that the understaffed security forces could be inadequate in the event of a security breach.
Security breach at Maynard Site
On Friday, December 16, 2005, the Unthinkable happened: the supposed "skin color" gene mutated and spread to laboratory personnel. Initially, this was thought to be merely a cosmetic inconvenience.
leading to bizarre chimeric life forms. What is worse, it led to dramatic changes in the behavior of its victims.
The worst part of this unfortunate affair stemmed from the television viewing habits of the lab personnel at the Maynard Group. When the mutation occurred, they were watching an O'Reilly Special Report about the War on Christmas. The neurotrophic effects of the prion caused the victims to actually believe O'Reilly; they actually thought there was a war on Christmas. And they thought that they were supposed to go out and fight that war.
The results were devastating. Holiday shoppers were converted en masse. The newly-undead caroused city streets, silencing carolers and causing eager yuppies to lose their appetites for sushi. Drinkers at Starbucks swore off their high-priced brews forever more. Cash registers stopped their rhythmic ka-ching-ing as college kids fled for the safety of their RA's, who were powerless to stop the evil menace.
There was no way out. The masses of the undead developed a clever strategy to prevent escape.
Undead chimera blocks travel agency
Domestic and International flights were impossible to arrange. To make matter s worse, due to an horrendous blunter by FEMA, Amtrak trains were diverted to Ypsilanti, North Dakota, and were unavailable for evacuation. Then, instead of vaccine, President Bush ordered a heck of a lot of brownies to be delivered by helicopter. This only enraged the Undead even more.
President Bush, in a desperate bid to boost his sagging polls, declared that the United States would not cut and run. He insisted that we would settle for nothing less than a complete victory. Pfizer responded by sending him an entire case of Viagra. The Undead merely jeered.
Because of his medical expertise, Senator Frist was called in to help. He immediately called his "blind" trust and ordered the sale of his remaining HCA stock.
Sensing the weakness of the top leadership in the entire country, the Undead quickly formed a political party and nominated candidates for the 2008 Presidential election.
When asked if the civilian spying program would continue, President Bush stated that the need is even greater now, with the threat posed by the Zombie Liberation Front.
The NSA "authorization is a vital tool in our war against the ZLF," Bush said. "It is critical to saving American lives. The American people expect me to do everything in my power under our laws and Constitution to protect them and their precious little brains. And that is exactly what I will continue to do, so long as I'm the president of the United States."The ZLF could not be reached for comment.
A Gold Star goes to Paanta, John Baird, and Community for their photojournalistic contributions.