Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Real Money-Making Opportunity

No door-to door sales, no deposed government official in Nigeria, no experience required.  

The Federal government is taking private bids to operate Los Alamos National Laboratory.  Unhappy with the performance of the University of California, and eager to create get-rich-quick-off-taxpayer-resources opportunities, Our government is looking to unload some prime real estate in scenic northern New Mexico.  

Bidders already include the likes of Bechtel and Lockheed-Martin.  It is estimated that profits from the Lab could top $80 million per year, working on things like the W76 nuclear warhead.  

But I have a better idea.  All I need is a little startup capital, and somewhere to store some nuclear waste.  You see, I have a cousin in Alaska, who runs a little florist shop.  She says that there is a tremendous market for fresh plants in Alaska.  And -- get this -- right now, there is absolutely no one importing cactus into Alaska!

The only problem is that cactus do not grow very well in Alaska.  But with all that pristine desert to work with, and a few gamma rays, we could change all that!  Imagine the possibilities!  Cultivating cactus that would grow in Alaska would create business opportunities that would make $80 million look like pocket change.  With all the brilliant minds at Los Alamos working on the problem, it should be a piece of cake.

The scientists remaining at Los Alamos, those who have not quit or retired early, might grumble a little bit at having to shelve their work on bunker-busters, only to cultivate new varietals of tumbleweed, but they would get used to it.  They might even like not having to walk around with lead-lined underwear.  I understand that stuff is nasty when you get all sweaty, anyway.

The fact is, the world already has something like 30,000 nuclear warheads.  The market for those things is getting a little thin.  Besides, they kill people.  Cactus might give you a little poke now and then, but that's no big deal.

If you live in an igloo, imagine how your property values will soar if you have a pair of 8-foot yucca framing your entryway!  Tired of sled dogs painting your outside wall yellow?  Just plant a row of barrel cactus...problem solved!  And the best thing about it: those pesky moose and polar bears won't nibble on it all the time!  

But wait!  There's more!  If we act now, we can get ready for all those Texas oilmen when they come up to make ANWR into the next Love Canal.  Imagine how it'll warm their little hearts to see saguaro all over the oil fields!  Just like home!  Then their little minds won't be so homesick.

I tell you, it's the opportunity of a lifetime!!!