Monday, May 10, 2004

July 4, 2074

(AUSTIN)The Texas Board of Education had their summer meeting/book-burning today.  As students have left for the summer, they were able to get down to some real business.  They got together to review the textbooks submitted for use in classrooms next year.  As usual, they burned most of them.

The Chairman, Donald "Duck" Rumsfeld, explained: "People thought we were done with this kinda stuff, once we got rid of all them books with evolution in 'em.  Not so."  Rumsvelt held up a book entitled Early 21st Century History. "Take this 'un, fer 'zample.  Them's got the audacity to talk about the great Republican Revolution of 2004 in downright disparagin' words."

When asked what was so disparagin about the textbook, Rumsvelt went on: "They print the bald-face lies about our Dear Departed Leader, Dubya B 43.  They claim that the gol-darn War in Eye-Rack was just a smokescreen and that the only reason Dear Ol' Dubya was re-elected was that the Americun Pee-puh was distracted by all the bad news cummin outta Eye-rack.  They claim that the Americun Pee-puh was too dumb to remembuh all the [insert air quotes here] scandals [end air quotes] that the Dubya folks allegedly done."   After tossing the book on the pyre, he turned to the rest of the Boared and they all started to clap their hands.

"I mean, tarnation and Doom on 'em I say.  Like Mr. Cheney would really still be on the Halliburton payroll while he wuz vice-prez.  Like we'z supposta believe that bible-sworn Senators broke inta other folk's computer files.  Like my gran-pappy knew about Abu Ghraib months before the news broke, and didn't send the ICRC report to the prez.  Like Duyba really knew that Harken Oil stock wuz gonna drop a coupla days after he sold $800,000 wortha stock.  They's even got the nerve to claim that Dubya hoodwinked everyone into thinking Medicare reform would be cheap, and that the war would be cheap, and that we'd find WMD's in Eye-rack, and that Eye-rack was linked to terrorism.
  And we're supposta believe that???  Then they go claimin' Halliburton stole our money, and that Boeing cheated us on the tanker lease deal, and that someone tried to bribe Nick Smith, and that good ol' Tom DeLay had sum kinda campaign finance deal.  Well, I know he died in prison, and all, but they didn't hafta bring that up, did they?  'Course, they go on and on for pages and pages like that, what with the so-called Plame affair, an' sayin' oilmen actually wrote parts of the guvmint's Energy Policy. Goldarnit, that there book was so full of trash I actually got a thrill tossin' it on the flames.  To think, are the Amercun Pee-puh really so dumb as to [insert air quotes] fergit [end air quotes] all that just cuza some [air qoute/eye roll combo] alleged  [end air quote/eye roll] scandal in Eye-rack?"

They ended the ceremony with the traditional simultaneous burning of Fahrenheit 451 and Fahrenheit 9/11.