Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Ken Starr Comes out of Retirement
Secret Service Announces Jackson Bodice Seized

Ken StarrKen Starr, the man who spent eighty million dollars investigating the Clintons, has come out of retirement to do a reprise on the Jackson mammary gland. Reached by phone [(202) 879-5150] at the law offices of Kirkland & Ellis, LLP, Mr. Starr is quoted as saying “While it is true that I am already a multi-millionaire, I see no reason not to rake in more of the taxpayer's dollars to be sure that the Superbowl is returned to its rightful status as a celebration of pure violence.” After a suitable dramatic pause, he added, “When our Nation's children sit down to watch men smash each other's faces, they should not have to worry that they might see a brazen display of erectile tissue.” When asked if an independent counsel will be appointed, he stated with disgust: “don't you remember, I opposed the Independent Counsel law when I worked for Reagan. I even prepared a legal brief pointing out that it was unconstitutional to place so much power in the hands of one person. I was then, and I am now, staunchly opposed to the use of the Independent Counsel.”Calipers

Mr. Starr pointed out that he is the perfect man for the job. His extensive experience in biometric analysis of sensitive body parts is unparalleled in the legal profession. He responded to questions about his strategy by stating that he already has directed the Secret Service to confiscate Janet Jackson's leather bustier and stainless steel nipple ring. He added that if congress will appropriate the necessary funds, he will be able to obtain DNA samples from under Justin Timberlake's fingernails and compare it to the nucleic acids from the nefarious nipple. “this underscores the importance of a national DNA database,” he stated, adding that Congress should expedite passage of the Domestic Security Enhancement Act. “When they do, I will have two DNA samples ready to inaugurate the program.”Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake

Mr. Starr elaborated on his technical expertise in all matters mammary: “By performing careful measurements and spectrographic analysis of the princess of pops' pectoralis, I will be able to show beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was indeed the Jackson Jug that was shown to 100 million viewers across the globe.” He reported that he already has taken the initiative to order the necessary calipers from the Carolina Biological Supply Company.

When asked if he would autograph a copy of his “bestselling” book, First Among Equals, the 130,640th most popular book at Barnes & Noble, he asked, modestly, "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"